How can I be so selfish?
This question is screaming like a tea kettle when I know he’s looking for head and I have already decided in my mind I just don’t feel like it. But it’s not just head that is rolling around in my mind at 5:30 am. It’s what bill needs to be paid this week? What time is soccer practice? What time is my appointment? Do we have enough groceries for lunch and dinner? While my sweet, sweet husband is sleeping like a baby. How could I be so selfish?
I’m 36 and have been married for ten years with 3 children elementary school age. I feel I get to choose to be a little selfish. Just typing that feels selfish and I feel the generations before me scowling down and shaking their disappointed fingers at me. I was born here in Baltimore, but raised with southern charm and preconceived notions of selflessness, sacrifice, and love. How the hell did I end up so fucking selfish?
Answer… I haven’t been selfish enough. Note to young 23 year old self…be more selfish before getting married. This takes me to the moment right before I was to walk down the aisle 8 years ago. My father said me “ Are you sure this is what you want, are you ready?” I immediately panicked and wondered was I (also) checking this box because my mother wanted me to.
I hesitated a little too long, long enough for my father to find long overdue words and pull me in an available room. The words are blurry, but the most clear was “never lose who you are. You can become a wife without losing who I created you to be” I internalized the words, but still managed to walk down the aisle that day. And if I’m being honest with myself the words didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks until year 4.
Growing up the only girl in a household of boys forced unto me a sense of responsibilty and loyalty at a young age that is unwavered. The kind of loyalty that forced me to choose my mom in a divorce that had nothing to do with me. The loyalty that cuts to the bone when hurt, lives by mantra of for sickness and in health, fights with the staff for the best care in the
country…that Keisha and Tommy loyalty in Belly. And anyone that embodied those characteristics (mainly Libras, Leos, Geminis- the batshit crazy ones) would always become a fast and lifelong relationship that I watered like a rose. But watering rose bushes and not watering my own plant that was flowered in me as a child is where I fuck up in marriage.
My husband and I dated in the later years of college. It didn’t take long for me to realize how much I needed to help him with adulting and instantly found myself turning into his life coach. We formed a bond that was so tight (until that bitch called me shortly after we got engaged, but we’ll get there later) that I knew given the opportunity he would do everything I was doing
for him in a heartbeat. The problem is I do everything for everyone first and figure out my shit later. I put me on the backburner every.single.time. It eventually wears on you and you hit your breaking point, which goes back to year 4, my breaking point. But in the meantime let me get this head going before a bat signal goes up that I’m not doing my daily wifely duties and all the bitches from his past show back up in his DM because they smelled the sweet scent of a dry marital bed. Suck dick, bills, kids breakfast, lunch, work, repeat.
How could I be so fucking selfish?